Dear Pedestrians,

My name is Chris Slattery and I am here today to talk to you about your unacceptable behavior. Now, please don’t take this the wrong way you’re not horrible people. You merely make the lives of everyone around you a living nightmare, similar to that nightmare I had the other evening about Canada invading the USA through the U.P.

Regardless of that, I get that you are very ecologically-minded, substituting your car for a pair of sneakers and reducing your carbon footprint, but when it comes down to it, your actions would give even Mother Nature road rage.

This frustration of mine first materialized during my sophomore year, when I noticed that people appeared to have no understanding of the function of the crosswalks around campus. For anyone who is still confused: you’re supposed to use them to cross the street. It is an unspoken understanding that if a pedestrian crosses at a crosswalk, they have the right-of-way over cars.

Otherwise, you’re just a moving target.

Pedestrians, I would hope that you realize you don’t have the authority to cause a 10-car backup because you don’t feel like walking five more yards to a crosswalk.

Jaywalking is a serious crime. It was considered especially heinous to the cops on a recent episode I saw of Law & Order, where the detectives tracked down a serial jaywalker. Not to worry, they brought the son-of-a-gun to justice.

Some may even go so far as to liken jaywalking to murder, in the sense that you are murdering the precious time that it takes for me to get to Taco Bell. I can’t eat my empanada while I’m busy waiting for you to cross the road like some antique-joke chicken.

But I don’t point the illegal finger at all pedestrians. Some of you manage to be annoying and still obey the law, which is twice as frustrating to drivers, considering there is no legal recourse. So here is something to keep in mind if, by some miracle, you do manage to locate a crosswalk and utilize it: Don’t. Slow. Down.

Sitting in a car and waiting for someone to slothily meander across the street is comparable to watching a pot of water begin to boil, only to cease bubbling as if to say, “Pysch!”

I mean, who do you think you are, pedestrians? Do you really think you’re so high and mighty because you’re saving the environment by taking the beaten path instead of taking a joy ride to class? I would rather begin supporting BP’s underwater oil pipelines than help you in your aggressive agenda against automobiles. If we as Americans can’t drive wherever we want, the territories win.

And no one wants Canada to win …

Love, Chris