Interview with an actual (fictional) GVSU student about the recent heat wave.

CHRIS: Thanks for sitting down with me.

STUDENT: Thanks for wishing me into existence.

C: Shut up. People need to think that you’re real!

S: I’m so happy to be a human being, which I always have been!

C: Don’t oversell it. Anyway, can you tell me a bit about Grand Rapids being so warm recently?

S: Well, I don’t know the science behind it because I’m not a weather major.

C: You mean a meteorology major?

S: Gosh, you’re so smart. And handsome.

C: Don’t oversell it. You live in the dorms, correct?

S: Yes, and let me tell you it is hotter than the sun in yoga pants in there.

C: Yeah, I’ve kind of noticed that. What gives?

S: Apparently there is some routine maintenance going on underground so the air conditioning won’t be turned on for a while.

C: Oh, okay, cool.

S: What? No, it’s not cool. Listen, I don’t think you understand how hot it has been inside! My Popsicle melted. Melted!

C: So your frozen snack became a puddle? Big whoop.

S: No, “Popsicle” was the pet name I had for my girlfriend.

C: Wait, your girlfriend melted?

S: That’s what I’m saying!

C: Oh, well, I mean… We’ve all been through that once or twice. So what are you doing to combat the heat?

S: Um, nothing! Everywhere I go, it’s just HEAT HEAT HEAT! There’s no escapc!

C: Like a cat trapped in a box…

S: What?

C: Or a… kangaroo trapped in… in a locked… thing.

S: You’re just coming up with hypothetical scenarios.

C: Maybe a jail cell. Yeah, a kangaroo in a jail cell. That would be a good show, right?

S: Yeah, but the heat!

C: This fall season, only on CBS!

S: This interview is over!

C: No, I’m sorry. It was a bad idea. I couldn’t think of a clever title, anyways. Tell me about how hot it is.

S: It makes it really difficult to concentrate in class when you’re sweating bullets.

C: Okay.

S: Wait, you don’t have any tangent for “sweating bullets?”

C: No, that’s a pretty common idiom. Continue.

S: And supposedly the air conditioning won’t turn on until April 1st.

C: [laughter]

S: What’s so funny? We still have over a week to deal with this!

C: April 1st? That specific day? Well played, maintenance staff. Well played…

S: This isn’t a joke!

C: Right, of course it’s not. Never… wink wink.

S: I hate your columns. You’re not funny.

C: Join the club. Do you have any advice for students who find the heat unbearable?

S: Um, I guess… Stick with it? It’s supposed to cool down soon, according to The Weather Channel.

C: …where you won’t be working because you’re not a meteorology major. Well, thanks for sitting down with me today. It was a real pleasure.

S: Don’t over sell it.

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