Hello, I’m a Mac.

And for all you PCs out there, there is nothing wrong with me being a Mac. As civilly and tactfully as possible, I will explain why we’re not so different, you and I, and why this petty argument (that you started) is so 2008.

First of all, let me just say that I think PCs are wonderful. Before college, my family computer was a Compaq (translation: “slow and unmanageable”), and then a Dell. Do you remember the Dell guy? Wasn’t he arrested for drug possession? Classy, PC. Real classy.

Okay, I want to apologize; that crossed the line. We’re trying to bridge a gap here, and put our troubled water under it. We can’t do that if I keep bringing up poor brand mascots. And I would never say that Dell is one step above the Sham-Wow, whose mascot was subsequently charged with battery, because, let’s be honest, assaulting a prostitute is way worse than buying marijuana.

Fine, fine. You’re right. Let’s just get to the products. Again, I want to reiterate my point: there’s not much of a difference here. Yes, I can right-click, and yes, Microsoft Word functions great. And yes, torrents work just as well on this operating system as they do on Windows.

If anything, they work better.

And let’s not get all high and mighty about Macs having to use Microsoft Word when Notepad doesn’t cut it. We all know you use iTunes, you condescending hypocrite, so jam it up your flash drive!

Excuse me. I got a little overzealous, and I am sorry. Apparently, this debate was more heated than I had anticipated.

I guess the better topic to tackle is to figure out exactly why this conflict began in the first place. Surely there is a reason why my roommate constantly berates me every time my internet does not load fast enough: “Pfft, typical Mac.”

Marketing. The reason is marketing.

What does a major corporation do if their product is similar to another product? Not make it better, because that would require spending money on new ideas. Instead, they spend that same money in advertising to differentiate between brands.

It’s not just the computer companies that do it, either. Soups, toilet paper, and even laundry detergents have used ads to differentiate themselves from nearly identical products. Somehow the Mac vs. PC debate stuck, but a worldwide Cheer vs. Tide dispute would have been just as entertaining as enraged housewives shunned each other due to their superfluous pride.

Yes, my exit button is on the other side of the screen. Yes, I use Safari rather than Firefox. And yes, I want one of Apple CEO Steve Jobs’ coveted turtlenecks, regardless of whether it supports Flash or not.

So you see, PCs, we don’t have much to fight about. Don’t worry about Apple superiority right now, because I’m sure you have enough on your plate. That blue screen of death isn’t going to fix itself.

Sorry about that. Just trying to be helpful.

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