The end of the world (as we think it)

Chris Slattery

So, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the end of the world might be upon us. I could very easily spout some R.E.M. reference or talk about the movie “Armageddon,” but there have been so many other Rapture predictions as of late and I’ve used up those jokes on Facebook statuses and Twitter tweets already.

Besides, anyone can make a few jokes about the end of the world — everyone is going to die, isn’t that hilarious?! I, instead, want to examine how this will affect people our age. To a person who equates every exam to judgment day, the actual apocalypse might not carry the same weight it likely should.

Hyperbole isn’t so funny now, is it?

Our generation has already coined the phrase “snowpocalypse,” so what is an “apocalypse?” A bunch of apes raining down from the sky to destroy humanity? What would they call our planet after such an event?

The end of the world is supposed to happen on Dec. 12, or smack-dab in the middle of finals week. It would be a convenient excuse (“I would have studied, professor, but I really don’t see the point in 17th Century imperialism at this point in the game”), if it didn’t mean total and global annihilation.

The subject (global annihilation, not 17th Century imperialism) has already been explored in a recent John Cusack film. I mean, did anyone see “Martian Child?”

Actually, the movie was called, cleverly enough, “2012” and was directed by Roland Emmerich in a bold move after helming non-world-destruction movies, such as “Independence Day” and “The Day After Tomorrow.”

If the end of the world really is upon us, what does that mean for all of us who have never known a life outside of school? There are so many things we have yet to experience, like skydiving or eating at a Bob Evans. Shouldn’t we say “screw education” and live life like there’s no next year?

Uh… no. Not only is that grossly irresponsible (although Andrew W.K. would likely be very proud), but there’s no reason to create an apocalyptic wasteland before the world actually becomes an apocalyptic wasteland. We can’t just do whatever we want because some extinct people didn’t plan centuries ahead of their time.

See, we assume that 2012 is all she wrote for civilization because that is physically all the Mayans wrote when developing their calendar. This seems like a stretch, considering that I’ve gone through dozens of calendars in my life and nothing bad has happened yet (with the exception of the papercut incident on Jan. 1, 1999).

All I’m saying is that calendars run out all the time — at least, I would say, most of the them. The Mayans were advanced people for sure, but just because they didn’t invent a perpetual calendar-maker, everyone is freaking out.

I can’t even pretend to know much about the Mayan people, much less where the come from. Though, I can assume that, if Americans come from America and Nigeriens come from Niger, Mayans must come from Meijer.

Speaking of Meijer, I think there’s a Bob Evans near one in Lansing. I should probably check that out…

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