Dear Grand Valley State University Freshmen,

It’s me again, Chris Slattery. You may remember me from the beginning of last semester, spouting sage advice to all of you college n00bs in the hopes that you wouldn’t make the same mistakes that I made/make.

Now, like a yearly physical, I am here to check up on you and make sure that everything is okay. Also like a physical, I am obligated to touch you in your “bathing suit areas.”

Trust me, I’m not crazy about this either.

So, sit down on this uncomfortable chair covered in wax paper and let us begin.

Firstly, I trust everything went swimmingly last semester, that you did well in all of your classes and that you managed to avoid the first half of the Freshman Fifteen (currently the Freshman Seven-and-a-Half). If not, that means you were not as obedient as I would have liked, but this is not panic time yet. You still have another whole semester to get your GVSU life back on track.

Unfortunately, this means getting back to the grind, and not the kind of “grind” you did with a member of the opposite sex at a New Year’s party. This grind pertains more to school and is going to be more of a challenge this time around — everyone in your dorm knows who you are now, so the whole “reinvention of self” philosophy is now void, you have likely already gotten a grasp on ineffectual studying habits, and classes are just going to get more difficult from here.

However, there is a bright side! You now have an arsenal of new toys attained from the holidays to impress your suite-mates. Is that a Kinect for the Xbox 360? Awesome, bro!

From many previous years of experience before college, you know the feeling that comes with returning after winter break – the inevitable yank of the rug under your collective, metaphorical feet that says, “Just kidding! You still have another half a year of this crap!”

College defeats that horrible trickery. You may not graduate to a higher class standing (or “level-up” for the WoW crowd), but there is an entire schedule’s worth of new classes to explore, new and attractive people to sit next to and zero finals to stress over for another four months.

The new semester is like a fresh start, only without being entirely “fresh.”

How does that make you feel? As your unofficial transitional doctor, it is my duty to make sure that none of you enter this new semester with any apprehension about the upcoming months. Does that make you feel better?

If not, take two servings of Ramen before every meal. I can fill out a prescription for you.

But just so you know, I do not have the authority to write hospital notes for your professor. You will just have to be more creative with your excuses this semester.

Love,

Chris Slattery