Dear men,

I respect women. Some say I even appreciate women. But God help us if I ever drink the same soft drinks as women!

That’s why Dr. Pepper’s latest advertising campaign for their 10-calorie beverage speaks to me in a way that isn’t annoying and dragged on by insignificant details, a quality that every single woman, without exception, is guilty of.

Dr. Pepper’s new commercials for Dr. Pepper Ten has everything that every man needs: Gun fights, explosions and a guy saying the word “Catchphrase” rather than coming up with his own catchphrase. It’s like the movie “The Expendables” in commercial form, and it’s not patronizing us as men.

The commercial concludes with the not-at-all condescending joke directed toward females: “So you can keep the romantic comedies and lady drinks. We’re good.” And then the tagline: “Dr. Pepper Ten. It’s not for women!”

At first, I was offended. For a commercial that claimed to have such a firm grasp on the male psyche, it did a pretty lousy job. Where were the scantily-clad women dancing around? I was appalled.

Then I realized that Dr. Pepper Ten was, at the very least, making an effort. Us guys don’t have a whole lot going for us these days. I’d suggest us to start our own Occupy Wall Street campaign if “We are the 49 percent” tested better as a slogan.

I mean, really, America’s men have been completely demasculinized — we’re becoming more like the fairer sex every day! Even I’m guilty of buying a girly thing or two; I own a loofah, for Patty’s sake!

That’s why Dr. Pepper Ten is going to be my new favorite diet drink, because beverages such as Pepsi Max and Coke Zero might as well be colored pink and decorated with lace. The media should get on board with this new shift of masculine-marketed trend. We need shows (besides “Man Up!” and “Last Man Standing,” two new shows on ABC this fall) that we can relate to: dudes just wanna be dudes. We need channels (besides Spike and FX) that broadcast television shows and movies that are exclusively “bro.”

And we need manlier diet drinks. Nothing says “I’m a little girly-girl” like trying to stay healthy.

For those of you men out there who are reading this and thinking, “Whoa, Chris, pull it back, man. It’s not that bad out there for us,” I want to kick you between the legs to remind you that you are a man. And you’re part of the problem.

Old Spice had it wrong with their advertisements by appealing to both men and women. “The man that your man could smell like” seemed like a good idea, but the advertisers made a fatal mistake: they made the commercial accessible to women.

In a world where women threaten our masculinity at every turn, we need to pump up our muscles, listen solely to Metallica (except for their girly songs about love), and be the boys that we were men(t) to be. After being repressed for as long as we have, don’t we deserve this?

Hugs and kisses,

Chris.

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