Watching water’s popularity sinking

Chris Slattery

I can’t even believe I’m talking about this. I just… ugh…

I’ll make this as succinct as possible: you can’t hate water. You just can’t. It is one of the most basic needs of a person, besides air and an unexplainable collective hatred for the band Train.

Let’s get some context really quick: I was watching television and a commercial came on for MiO, a product known as a “liquid water enhancement.” It features computer-generated animals talking about customization and one asks the other, “How’s your water?”

The giraffe responds, “It’s water…” with the amount of disdain one would reserve for describing an abusive ex-boyfriend or the latest Train single on the radio.

This digitized conversation blew every neuron in my brain. I had to put a pause to the “Man vs. Food” marathon (because the Travel Channel can never air just one episode) and ask the other three people, “Do you just hear that?”

They knew not of what I was saying.

“‘It’s water’? Are you kidding me?!”

The desperately waited for a point so as to get back to a battle of delicious proportions.

“Are people really unsatisfied with water? I mean, it’s water. It’s always been water.”

Again, blank stares.

So I need to know if I’m alone on this. Has the general population grown tired of one of the most tasteless materials on the planet? Are filters and bottles and taps too bland for our culture? I understand that LifeWaters and SmartWaters have been on the market for a while, but let’s face it — that’s some other beverage. The whole deal with water is that it has nothing in it. That’s it’s shtick.

The human body consists of 60 percent water! Do we really loathe ourselves that much?

Maybe I’m just bitter. We live in a society of unnecessary luxuries. Is your blanket too complicated? Is a single rectangle of linen too complex for your feeble little mind? Buy a Snuggie. Apparently it’s great at sporting events.

In a similar vein, is your water too… water-like?

See, water is one of those things that people use to describe something basic — a few H’s, a couple of 2’s and a handful of O’s. That’s it.

“It’s water,” the giraffe said, like it was some kind of insult. That giraffe might as well have said, “It’s boring,” or “I’d rather drink antifreeze.” Put simply, people are sick of water. And it boggles the mind.

I need to just relax, I guess. Put on a Train album or something; do some aroma therapy?

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